I am alive and happy

I am what some call a one nighter. I went to meetings before getting sober but have only been detoxed once and have gone to meetings sober ever since.  I have been sober  over 6 years now.  It some ways it has been easy for I always thought  of my self as alcoholic. From my very early days of drinking I thought I was alcoholic. I also thought I would be fine.

The point I am making is when it came time to change and get help I did not struggle  with whether I needed it or not.  There was never a question of could I get  better and drink again. Being an alcoholic and believing I was one came easy to me. Choosing life or death seemed to be a simple problem with straight forward answer. Yes you are an alcoholic and you can not live this way any more, 

Thankfully there was a place to be and go. A place for me to share and grow. Though I knew for sure I was alcoholic , I was not sure how to transition and  live a sober life. Thank God for AA 

I don't need to compare myself....

I have heard this many times in AA. In my early years it was directed at me to not compare my self out .Meaning that I should not think or say things like , I am not as bad a drunk as him. I did not go to jail, I can't be a real alcoholic. I did not live in the streets so maybe I am not a real alcoholic.

I did not do these things much cause I thought for a long time I was an alcoholic and did not feel better or different than every one else. It has helped in my success of sobriety to not compare my self out.

NOw I have also heard and agree that the principles of the AA program apply to all  and in all of my life, not just me and  in the rooms. What I am leading to is how this principle of not comparing yourself has smacked me in the face recently. To keep my serenity and peace I really need to apply it. You see what I have been doing is comparing my wonderful gift of a camera to what others had. I would ask someone.. " What you got there,?. Oh , how many pixels does it have?  Well mine has 18." Then I would gloat to my self that I got it good. And if theirs was better I would be envious. Neither thought is good or pleasant to have.

I need to focus on the joy of the gift all by it self.  Not waste time on what others have. Be in the moment and enjoy. It serves no purpose to compare to others. There will always be some who have more and some who have less. This applies to everything. I just need to focus on what I have to be joyful with and I can be happy most of the time.    

Love you all

Thoughts of Drinking ....

Twice today I thought about drinking  . Well it  was in the same week.

First was Monday night. I was waiting for the storm to arrive and making preparations. I was anxious. That amount of discomfort has not been around for awhile. For a brief moment , that is the key word  brief, I thought a glass of booze would be nice to make me feel better. Now I am not worried about this because it was a reflex thought to a situation. The thought was not entertained or romanced in any way. My brain was just thinking like it has in many occasion in the past, hundreds of times has my brain gown down this path. Hundreds of times it is what I did. I was not thinking of anyway to make this happen. The thought of booze ended right there even though my discomfort did not. 

The second thought of drinking was a bit more worrisome. Later in the week at work I saw a glass of wine being poured. First thought was that looks nice, clean glass, pretty color and I bet it is cold and refreshing. Well that is like 4 thoughts and a bit of romanticizing. It did not end there. The next couple of thoughts concerned how some people will say they don't have a drinking problem because they only drink wine or beer. I wonder if I could just drink some wine and be ok?  I bet I could do that , drink wine and not get into trouble. Now that is bunch of thoughts that worry me.  Luckily it all happened in like 3 seconds, was squashed immediately and not thought of again til I type it down now. 

The first occasion on monday did not bother me at all but the second time around got me mad a bit and a little worried. I must stay diligent and strong. BE wary of this monster. It can be tricky and sneak up on me. I will be a sentinel and beat it down every time it shows its ugly monster face. 

Love you all Jaybird