I am alive and happy

I am what some call a one nighter. I went to meetings before getting sober but have only been detoxed once and have gone to meetings sober ever since.  I have been sober  over 6 years now.  It some ways it has been easy for I always thought  of my self as alcoholic. From my very early days of drinking I thought I was alcoholic. I also thought I would be fine.

The point I am making is when it came time to change and get help I did not struggle  with whether I needed it or not.  There was never a question of could I get  better and drink again. Being an alcoholic and believing I was one came easy to me. Choosing life or death seemed to be a simple problem with straight forward answer. Yes you are an alcoholic and you can not live this way any more, 

Thankfully there was a place to be and go. A place for me to share and grow. Though I knew for sure I was alcoholic , I was not sure how to transition and  live a sober life. Thank God for AA 

I don't need to compare myself....

I have heard this many times in AA. In my early years it was directed at me to not compare my self out .Meaning that I should not think or say things like , I am not as bad a drunk as him. I did not go to jail, I can't be a real alcoholic. I did not live in the streets so maybe I am not a real alcoholic.

I did not do these things much cause I thought for a long time I was an alcoholic and did not feel better or different than every one else. It has helped in my success of sobriety to not compare my self out.

NOw I have also heard and agree that the principles of the AA program apply to all  and in all of my life, not just me and  in the rooms. What I am leading to is how this principle of not comparing yourself has smacked me in the face recently. To keep my serenity and peace I really need to apply it. You see what I have been doing is comparing my wonderful gift of a camera to what others had. I would ask someone.. " What you got there,?. Oh , how many pixels does it have?  Well mine has 18." Then I would gloat to my self that I got it good. And if theirs was better I would be envious. Neither thought is good or pleasant to have.

I need to focus on the joy of the gift all by it self.  Not waste time on what others have. Be in the moment and enjoy. It serves no purpose to compare to others. There will always be some who have more and some who have less. This applies to everything. I just need to focus on what I have to be joyful with and I can be happy most of the time.    

Love you all

Thoughts of Drinking ....

Twice today I thought about drinking  . Well it  was in the same week.

First was Monday night. I was waiting for the storm to arrive and making preparations. I was anxious. That amount of discomfort has not been around for awhile. For a brief moment , that is the key word  brief, I thought a glass of booze would be nice to make me feel better. Now I am not worried about this because it was a reflex thought to a situation. The thought was not entertained or romanced in any way. My brain was just thinking like it has in many occasion in the past, hundreds of times has my brain gown down this path. Hundreds of times it is what I did. I was not thinking of anyway to make this happen. The thought of booze ended right there even though my discomfort did not. 

The second thought of drinking was a bit more worrisome. Later in the week at work I saw a glass of wine being poured. First thought was that looks nice, clean glass, pretty color and I bet it is cold and refreshing. Well that is like 4 thoughts and a bit of romanticizing. It did not end there. The next couple of thoughts concerned how some people will say they don't have a drinking problem because they only drink wine or beer. I wonder if I could just drink some wine and be ok?  I bet I could do that , drink wine and not get into trouble. Now that is bunch of thoughts that worry me.  Luckily it all happened in like 3 seconds, was squashed immediately and not thought of again til I type it down now. 

The first occasion on monday did not bother me at all but the second time around got me mad a bit and a little worried. I must stay diligent and strong. BE wary of this monster. It can be tricky and sneak up on me. I will be a sentinel and beat it down every time it shows its ugly monster face. 

Love you all Jaybird

Hello there....

I am remembering what it was like being stuck in the grasp of alcohol . It was and is an addiction. When I was drinking that is all I could do. Nothing else came first. So many things in life were put to the side in favor of booze. Even in the beginning it was this way for me. Though at the time it did seem fun. As my years of drinking mounted up it became less fun and moved in to being a state of horror. How could I live with this drinking ... out could I live with out  it . Surly I must die then .

But I lived and I can't tell you how in this post but some day I will try to explain it more . So I live through the change into sober living.Now many things are the same in who I am . Stop drinking does not turn you into a wonderful person unless you were one already. I am still very additive in my wants and desires. When I first got sober I bought all kinds of cleaning products ever week at the store. At one time I had more than a dozen spray bottles of something in the house . I think part of this obsession was to make the change from being a slob drunk to being a clean and sober person.  Then there was the watches . Bought one ever month. Now it is the radio helicopter. Got to fly every day. And buy new ones and parts and stuff. What the difference in these things and my drinking is that they seem to dwindle in interest.. I have control over the behavior . I choose to buy or do what I want . I know if I can t buy another watch or heli part I won't . The obsession seems to wear off.  That never happened with my drinking. Ever friggin day it was the same , had to drink no matter what .

Hope to see you all soon , I will try and not fly my heli too much and get back to this blog .
love you all , Jaybird

Hello again some 45 days later...

...all is well. My sponsor just celebrated 11 years.  Life is good. 


I am thinking I will try and post at least once a month if not more. So let me tell you what I have been doing this last month.
I had a vacation. It was great. I did not plan my supply of booze and drugs I would need. I planned on food supplies and activities to do. A dear friend came to stay for couple of days. We played like little kids , going to the duck pond to feed the children  bread so they could feed the ducks. We played with my new toys and obsession , Radio control helicopters. She drove my little truck and I would try and dive bomb it with my heli. 


You know going back to work or leading up to it brought back some emotions I had when I was drinking. That sinking feeling , that dread of all things. I had an ache in my belly of anxiety that I had not felt in some time . When I was drinking it was there all the time dreading all things to come because most of the future at that time looked bleak . Being sober and mostly happy I could change my tune and sing the joys of life and drive away the blues. The belly ache did not last. Being sober is so good .


Love you all Jaybird      

Hello again ....

... I have not written here in a month and more. Typical alcoholic to start something and leave it unfinished.. In this last month I did celebrate 6 years of sobriety.   I am happy joyous and free.
I see that I have lost all my followers except one. I say all but I think it was only like six or seven. I think it must be a glitch or something.  I am pretty sure of three of them to not "Unfollow" me so maybe its a timed out thing . Maybe if I start to write again I will see them back here.
What ever I do I must not drink. I think I can do that for another day. Yes I can do that .
Love you Jaybird          

Life is just too much fun ....

I have been a little busy and having too much fun . Too mUch ? What the hell is that ? I am having a grand time enjoying each day that comes my way . I started a post that I thought would become a series of posts . It was describing what a day in my life was like about 7 years ago . I thought it would be a great piece of blogging . What it is really is a bit boring for me . It is also hard work and I am feeling a little lazy . I do need to hear and remember those days . I do not want to relieve them .Well today I am having a grand time living my life and enjoying some of my presents from birthday . This time it was not a bottle of booze . They were real presents .

Love you , Jaybird

..Later that day for the drunk .... Part (2)

.. this pic is later in the evening . but I have not really  gotten past 10 am . So lets not rush in to that just yet . Continuing from my last post .... I think I am a little hungry and look for a beer . Beer fills my belly like food use to . I find one on the kitchen counter and am glad it is not in the fridge . If it were too cold  it might upset my stomach and I might lose the precious vodka I have already drank . It is only 7 am , three hours is a long time to wait to get more vodka . I begin to twist my brain around how much I am going to be able to get today and wonder how the hell that amount is going to last me all day and into the next morning . This may be the day I decide to end it all . I know the booze I can get is not going to be enough . It begins to freak me out the having a cheap half gallon of vodka is not enough booze to keep me from trying to kill my self . I don't want to do that , kill my self . I must find a way to get more booze >

My next post I will see if I can get this transcript of my drinking day to go past noon . I am sober today and oh so very happy .
Love you , Jaybird

the first opening of an eye of a drunk ....Part (1)

...the first glimpse of light seeps in the eye . I do not know what time it is . Is it still last night or is it now morning ? My first thought is hoping that I have not drank all my booze last night . Even knowing that I would NEED some in the morning I might have drank it any way . I get into a sitting position and scan the room for the bottle . There it is . Shit , It barely has 20 oz in it . That is going to be a stretch to make it last till the store opens . Well It is only three hours . I can do that ...may be take a little cough syrup too to make it through . I got to make sure I do not throw up any of it . That would be a bitch to try and save that and drink again . I drink a little and cough some of it into my mouth . I re swallow and in a short time take another gulp . Now I am starting to feel a little bit normal . The little bit of shakes is starting to go away . I now need to find and scrounge the money to buy another half gallon . How am I going to look for a job today ? I don't have enough booze or the right state of mind . I will do it tomorrow .

More of a day in the life of a drunk in my next post .
Please ask any questions in comments .
Love you , Jaybird

WoW , it has been 10 days ....

....since my last post . I have been busy with my new hobby . I am defiantly alcoholic , in the way I behave with everyday  things . I guess addictive behavior is a better description . I have been consumed by this helicopter . Every free moment and even the ones that are not free  have been given to time with my heli . I have neglected my chores and even sleep . I want to skip work and fix this toy and fly some more . Things like this I did all the time when drinking and smoking pot .
Being sober has allowed me to see this behavior and not let it get to much in the way of life . Being sober allows me to stay in control and do the next right thing . Being sober allows me to dip in the world of extravagant behavior and pull back to reality .
What I have seen in my self in these last few weeks remind me of what I was and how horrible it could get . I can never forget the full wrath of being a drunk . I have to remember that I have a choice to live and enjoy life . I have to remember I only have this power by not drinking . If I do drink or use drugs I will lose that ability to make the choice to the next right thing .
My next post will be sorta of a description of a day in the life of an active drunk . Should be horrible fun .
Love you , Jaybird

Have not had a drink today ....

... well not of booze any way . Drank a bunch of coffee and my favorite milk . I can remember my first drink of beer that got me drunk . I was about 14 or 15 . Myself and two buddies from the neighbor hood gathered our beers or booze and hung out at the tennis courts to drink that night . I don't think I got drunk again for maybe a year and at that time did it several times in a few months . About a year out of high school I was drinking on a daily basis . By my late twenties  I was drinking in the morning some days . By my late thirties I was drinking around the clock everyday . At each stage I thought I would not and could not  behave like I did in the next stage .Every time it got worse I would think it cant get worse than this . Of course it did . That 16 year old boy had no idea what his drinking would lead to , being connected to a bottle 24 hours a day . 
Those last couple of years of constant drinking had me thinking it would not be any different . I thought how could I possible change now . I had done too much and could not ever get back to being sober . It just seemed so impossible . And even if I could get sober how could I live a life like that ? What would I possible do ? I knew of nothing else . Well I am here to tell you it is possible . I have more things to do than I have time for . My latest kick is flying helicopters . I have so many things to do there is no time for getting drunk . 
I have not had a drink today , I am sober and very happy . 
Love you , Jaybird 

I am Fine ...

... and all is well . I think I am a little over ambitious sometimes . I had envisioned writing and posting every day . When I do not I feel a small sense of failure . Well maybe not failure but more of a disappointment . I want this blog to be a great thing . What I mean is not something that is read by thousands or even hundreds . What I mean by great is  really meant for me and maybe one or two others . I want it to be  and it is important to me . If I reach or help one or two others than I will be content . But my measure  or idea of it being great is if I were to write and post every day .
So for me to be content and happy I need to change the boundaries . I am not going to force a post . I am not going to worry if I do not do one tomorrow or the next day . I will post from my heart , my desire and from my instinct . I am so very happy today , I am sober and living each day as glorious celebration in life . I must never forget the past and when the days events remind me of something from that time of my active alcoholism I will share it here .
Thank you all for reading . Thank you all who I may know . Thank you , the ones who would like to remain anonymous . If any of you have any questions about me , my alcoholism , cancer or   anything that I have said ... please ask . I will do  my best to answer .
Love you , Jaybird

Be Careful ...

... Be very careful . Another friend died yesterday . Another friend died from alcohol related issues . Nope it was not a car accident . Nope , it was not liver or kidney related . He did not even over do it and slip into a coma . This guy died from not being careful . I have touched base on this issue before and I will again . This friend was an alcoholic and very active in his drinking . He wanted to stop and went to an out patience program to seek help . He may not have been honest with them and they may have dropped the ball in getting the attention he needed . My friend thought he was doing the right thing . What happened is he went to this program to seek help in stopping his drinking . He did stop . He was walking down the street from his house and had a seizure . He went in to cardiac arrest . He died a block from his home .
When you drink heavily on a daily basis and stop YOU WiLL DiE with out medical attention . You must seek proper medical attention when you quit drinking that much . So many people try and do it cold turkey and are taking chances with their life . Maybe they are embarrassed to seek help  , maybe they are stubborn. It just is sad when someone is trying to save their life from drinking too much and die from not drinking and seeking the help they need to do so 
Love you , Jaybird

Hi, my name is Jay...

... and I Love my self . It took me more than a year of sobriety to get to a point were I could say that out loud and have it be a real thing . Before that day I really did not like my self , much less love . I did not like the things that I had done . I did not like it that I hadn't  done things I should have . There was very little I did like . I think there was nothing . I almost made it be nothing .
After I got sober I was not under the depressive effects of alcohol . I was also feeling a bit better with out the fog around my head . I was having a lot of emotions unhindered hitting me hard . The feeling of reality was new and good but it also carried the bad . While I was still drinking I hated myself ,after getting sober I did too in a real way . Being sober allowed me to work on those things that needed working .
After some time and with some practice I was able to say I love me . Wow , that is a thing we all humans need to do . It is a must for joy and happiness. When you can love yourself you can really share it with others .
Love you , Jaybird  

My coworkers ...

...today were talking about the xmas party the company had on new years day . Every year before the party arrives I get some resentment . The owners of the company pay for a xmas party and I feel cheated . In the  last five years I never get consideration that I can not partake in their booze filled party .  Sometimes I have gotten angry . When I entertain these resentments and let the marbles roll around in my head I think of things like "the boss should give me a twenty or something to make up for me missing out" . I think of how it is not fair that provisions aren't made for me.
In the last couple of years these resentments are sent packing right away . I don't really get angry at all . Some passing thoughts of resentment are there but they  do not last long . What has happened every year is the stories I hear after . The stories of drunkin fights . The stories of embarrassments . The stories of the ones who bar hoped before and after the party . The money they did not realize  spending . And I could see the agony on a few of the faces the next day . Oh the pain .
I certainly do not miss the company xmas party . My life is great . My love of life is grand . I celebrate every day  .  I am not missing out on anything . I have all my money . I have all my dignity . Most importantly I have my choice to be happy and I make it every day .
Love you , Jaybird

Start of another ...

...Year . 2012

The last two posts were written by a man named Sam Shoemaker . Among his many life's notes is being good friends with Dr. Bob and Bill W. , the founding members of AA . Sam was a priest . Bob and Bill looked to him for guidance in formatting the wordings of the 12 steps . Sam would denied it but  many have said he is a founder of AA too .
In two  posts I shared  Sam's long poem . It is a reminder of  ways I want to live my life . To share what I have . A gift of sobriety and a relationship with god . I had a wonderful year and fantastic Christmas . I look forward to more of the same this year . I know as long as I do not drink I will be taking steps in the right direction to being happy , joyous and free .
When problems do come I will be wise about my solutions . Nothing can be made better with booze . Nothing can be made to go away with booze . Booze will only delay and multiply my issues .
So be happy and enjoy life . Embrace ever moment of it . We only have this very moment right now .
Love you , Jaybird