Part 2 ....

There is another reason why I stand there. Some people get part way in and become afraid Lest God and the zeal of His house devour them; For God is so very great and asks all of us. And these people feel a cosmic claustrophobia And want to get out. 'Let me out!' they cry. And the people way inside only terrify them more. Somebody must be by the door to tell them that they are spoiled. For the old life, they have seen too much: One taste of God and nothing but God will do any more. Somebody must be watching for the frightened Who seek to sneak out just where they came in, To tell them how much better it is inside. The people too far in do not see how near these are To leaving - preoccupied with the wonder of it all. Somebody must watch for those who have entered the door But would like to run away. So for them too, I stand by the door. I admire the people who go way in. But I wish they would not forget how it was Before they got in. Then they would be able to help The people who have not yet even found the door. Or the people who want to run away again from God. You can go in too deeply and stay in too long And forget the people outside the door. As for me, I shall take my old accustomed place, Near enough to God to hear Him and know He is there, But not so far from men as not to hear them, And remember they are there too. Where? Outside the door - Thousands of them. Millions of them. But - more important for me - One of them, two of them, ten of them. Whose hands I am intended to put on the latch. So I shall stand by the door and wait For those who seek it. 'I had rather be a door-keeper So I stand by the door.

1st part ...

I stand by the door.
I neither go to far in, nor stay to far out.
The door is the most important door in the world -
It is the door through which men walk when they find God.
There is no use my going way inside and staying there,
When so many are still outside and they, as much as I,
Crave to know where the door is.
And all that so many ever find
Is only the wall where the door ought to be.
They creep along the wall like blind men,
With outstretched, groping hands,
Feeling for a door, knowing there must be a door,
Yet they never find it.
So I stand by the door.

The most tremendous thing in the world
Is for men to find that door - the door to God.
The most important thing that any man can do
Is to take hold of one of those blind, groping hands
And put it on the latch - the latch that only clicks
And opens to the man's own touch.

Men die outside the door, as starving beggars die
On cold nights in cruel cities in the dead of winter.
Die for want of what is within their grasp.
They live on the other side of it - live because they have not found it.

Nothing else matters compared to helping them find it,
And open it, and walk in, and find Him.
So I stand by the door.

Go in great saints; go all the way in -
Go way down into the cavernous cellars,
And way up into the spacious attics.
It is a vast, roomy house, this house where God is.
Go into the deepest of hidden casements,
Of withdrawal, of silence, of sainthood.
Some must inhabit those inner rooms
And know the depths and heights of God,
And call outside to the rest of us how wonderful it is.
Sometimes I take a deeper look in.
Sometimes venture in a little farther,
But my place seems closer to the opening.
So I stand by the door.

Hey I am Back ....

Merry belated Christmas to you all . I had another sober one . This is my fifth Christmas with out booze . It was the very best yet . I did get some super nice gifts , I mean off the chart nice , but what I am here to talk about is my mental state of mind . Five years ago my first xmas sober was nice . I did have some anxiety issues of how I would deal with things and what it would be like . I was really worried about dealing with some people I usually used booze to deal with . Those worries were not necessary , every thing was fine .
That first xmas I also had to deal with reflex memories and thinking .Reflex thinking of booze . When you do something over and over again it will come to your mind at times . I had to learn that it was just a reflex and if I did not romanticism and promote these thoughts everything was fine .
This xmas  I had no anxiety and no reflex thinking . I have learned to not worry so much . Most of the time the worries are of  things that never happen . I lived in the moment and enjoyed every bit of my holiday weekend .
Love you  , Jaybird

All is well ...

For those of you who may be following my little writings I just want you to know that all is well . I may miss posting a few days in the next week . I have not had a drink today and don't see having one before new years . After that who knows ?  Really do not know about today yet . I have done my work for this day though . I have prayed and been thankful for waking up sober . I have been thankful for not having a desire to drink this morning  . I have asked for help for myself  and to be able to help others . I think I am ready .
So if I do not see you all this week
Merry Christmas  

I can not drink ...

What Job Can I get that I can drink at ? Really , what job can I get away with drinking at  ?
That is what I was thinking when I was fired from a job for drinking . Six months earlier when I got my 2nd warning for drinking , I was thinking that I  need to get better eye drops , not the generic kind . I got to get a better gum too . One that has better breath protection . I probably should wear more deodorant . It never crossed my mind I should stop drinking . Well it really did but I knew I wouldn't so I did not think about it much .I did get two more jobs that I got away with my drinking for a while . That is how my life was . In personal and work was always how to sneak and get away with drinking . It is not something I wanted . As I have said before ,  in the end it was not my choice to drink or not drink  . I was running out of options to live like this and on a daily basis consider ending it .
Now that I have gone through detox and been sober for some time , I do have a choice . I can choose to drink or not . That power is mine to hold on to . I have that power as long as I do not drink . If I drink I will loose the ability to stop . I CAN not drink . I say that with a positive tone  .
Love you , Jaybird

In some ways I have not changed ...

...In some ways I am exactly the same as  when I was drinking vodka . Just getting sober does not really change the core person of who I am . Getting sober does allow me to recognize faults and make amends . I have made great efforts and have some success in changing my attitude about life . 
One of the things that have not changed is my drinking habits . Oh the type of  liquid has changed but the actual drinking habits have not . I drink way too much milk . I also hoard milk . If this picture here is my fridge, I would have to go get another gallon so there would be no way of me running out . I get anxious if I only have a gallon or so in there . 
I am a milk aholic . But I am ok with that . It is not going to kill me to drink a shit ton of milk . I wont loose my job for drinking milk there . I am not going to break into your house to get more milk .  I wont hide  or be ashamed of my milk drinking . All these did happen with my vodka . Vodka nearly killed me . I can live with my addiction to milk . 
Love you , Jaybird    

Starting to really get in the spirit ...

... of Christmas . I started getting in the spirit on December 1st . I have all my shopping done , thank you amazon .com . Just waiting on two more packages . I  have most of my decorations set . I am looking forward to holiday events at church . X-mas day will be with family .
I do not know what kind of presents I will be getting this year . Last few years I kinda knew what my big presents would be . They were very nice but sorta lost the surprise affect . This year it will be all surprise .
Last few years of my drinking I knew exactly what I was getting . At birthday and x-mas it was always the same . A half gallon of vodka and maybe a carton of cigarettes . I am tearing up a little right now thinking of that . The only thing important to me for my mom to get as gifts was booze . I am sad for me , the man I was then . I am more sad for my mom who had that man to love as a son . For her to only have those things  to get me . I got a lump in my throat and a tear on my cheek .
I take a deep sigh and let that go . Not to forget , must never do that . But to let me live in the happiness that is now .  One thing that I had learned before and can really apply in my life now is this ... do not let your happiness be intruded upon . I will remember those days but right now I am having a wonderful time . It is the season .
Love you , Jaybird
ask any questions you like in comments  

Excess , is it too much ??

When I was drinking I knew I drank too  much . I would often throw up while still drinking . I would often be hung over . I would often have slurred speech and unsteady walk . All these things were certainly from drinking too much . I knew this while it was happening . What also was happening was I knew it was not enough . I always wanted more . If there was any left I would drink it no matter what . If there was a store open we would go get more . There could never be enough .
That has to be some kind of crazy , maybe a disease . To be able to know it is too much but to continue to do more , every time , is some kind of sick . Near the end , the last few years , I wanted to not be sick , to not be under this sickness that caused me to drink . You see at some point it changed from wanting to have more to not having a choice about it . I don't know if I really ever had a choice in those early years but certainly later when I wanted to stop I could not . In those early  years even though I knew it was too much it seemed to be my choice to do more . Then when I knew for sure I wanted to stop the misery I could not .
I really do not know all the answers but I do know I am happy to today .If you have any questions I will do my best to answer them .
Love you , Jaybird

Off to work ....

...and so tired . Been very busy at work . LOng hours there and last night was my AA meeting . I awake this morning very tired and having to go in  to work . What I like about this is that I am not anxious about it . I am not hung over . I am not trying to think of a way to get out of work . I am not trying to drink enough before I go in to get me through the day . Even though I am tired I am glad to have a job to go to . If I were still drinking I would be thinking of making some changes so I could drink on Friday and Saturday , not have to worry about work . Before quitting I thought what would I do with out booze . Now there is no time for it . There is no room for me to drink and think of excuses to get out of work . I hated my life at the end of my drinking . I love my life now . bye to you all , I got to go to work .
Love you Jaybird
ask any questions in comments

Happy Joy and free...

My life , My joy , My sobriety are gifts . Gifts I choose to cherish . Gifts I choose to honor . Gifts I choose to share . I can do all these things by helping others . That helps me to smile every day .
I am Jaybird alcoholic.
I am exactly where I am suppose to be .

I hate this thing (2) ....

This is the second post titled "I hate this thing..." . It is not that I am already running out of ideas but I reread that first post and realized I I left something out . Part of this "disease " I hate is that people are dying . I think every one reading this will know and think of the most common ways people are dying . Auto Accidents . Liver failure and such . Those two probably popped right up in your minds . What really bothers me is people are committing suicide . The booze will do at least two things to get people in that place of mind  to do this . One is the depression the alcohol will bring on . Over time it can build up . The other thing is that booze will hinder their rational thinking and inhibitions . They may be depressed any way and then being drunk on top of that does nothing to stop some one from doing something stupid . I know of a few people who have killed them selves . Some have said this person or that one had lost their job and or house . They did not know or want to say booze played a big role in them taking their life . I hate this disease  for that .
Love you , Jaybird
please ask any question you like in  comments

Why did I stop ....

Why did I stop drinking ? I was having a miserable time .I was going to die . I could not afford it any more . I had no money . You see , most alcoholics if given the chance will continue to drink . That is why in most cases we need to hit bottom before we make an effort to change . I had hit the wall or bottom . I had no where else to go . I was to either dig a hole and die in it or make an effort to get over that wall . 


I chose to live and the only way to  do that was to stop drinking . I had wanted to make that  choice for about three years . My drinking of a half gallon a day required that I not do it at home . When you drink this much you must have medical supervision when you stop . If you do not you will die any way . Your body will react in a bad way of not having its daily dose of booze . You will convulse , have seizures and your heart will stop . 


When thinking about stopping I often thought my life would be nothing . What would I do ? Who would I know ? I must take up my hobbies again for I will have so much time on my hands . When drinking there were times the days dragged on , seemed long . I filled that time by drinking and passing out . What was I going to do now ? I would have no friends because they all drink . 
I now  have very little time on my hands . Not enough time for all my friends . Not enough time for all that is asked of me or that I ask of myself . I guess it is good to be so busy , leaves no time for drinking . 
Love you , Jaybird 
please ask any questions you want in comments    

Chasing the butterflies ...

This is what I saw this morning . If I was still drinking it might look exactly like this . I got to read the bible selections today at church . I then got to sit with the choir and later help serve communion . I was scared and a bit shaky but it was a discomfort I enjoyed . In times gone by I did not feel any of this , the butterflies turning in my stomach . I hide from them or chased them away with booze . Today I got to feel them and live through them , it was enjoyable to feel life . I have been doing these bible readings for some time now . I still get nervous but I do seem to go after the opportunities to do these things . I am alive and chasing butterflies .


Love you Jaybird 
please ask any questions in comments 

I am at peace ...

Today I am at peace . Today I can be happy almost always . When I am not happy it usually does not take me long to be so again . If I want to stay this way I do have to remember when it was not so good . If I were to forget how horrible it was I may make a mistake of drinking again .
Just the other day I was reminded of a time when it was very bad for me . When I would have the shakes in the morning if I had not saved enough to drink before the stores open . Mornings were bad . I might only have a little bit left to drink . If I cant keep it down that is not good . I could be nauseous  in the morning .
One day it was early , hours before the store opened and I only had so much left to drink . I did not keep it down . I had a can I used to vomit in . I am getting shaky thinking about it now . I re drank that booze . I did not want to but had no choice . I may not have made it through those couple of hours with out that regurgitated  booze . It is veery uncomfortable thinking about that . I can not forget how bad it will get if I drink again .
So today is good . I did not  have a drink today . I don't think I will in the morning either .
Love you , Jaybird
please ask any questions in comments 

Happy December ...

I have started celebrating X-mas . I do it for the whole month . I have over a hundred  decorations I will arrange around the apartment .  In fact I guess I will be celebrating for three months . I will not take down and put stuff away till after my birthday in February .
That is one of our traits . Alcoholics tend to do things to excess . It helps us get in to the jams we do . Not all but most alcoholics drink to excess . In this merry month I would have consumed the same amount of alcohol  the average american would in three years .  In a one year I would drink the same amount as a normal person would in over 35 years . That is a Shit ton of vodka .
I don't know why I am still here but I am sure going to go to excess to find out . I will embrace every moment I can . I will live and love . My head will be clear and my mind free . The money I would have spent on a few more bottles of booze will get me more Santas and snowmen to decorate with . I can Live with this addiction .
Thanks for listening
Love you , Jaybird
please ask any questions in Comments