I am alive and happy

I am what some call a one nighter. I went to meetings before getting sober but have only been detoxed once and have gone to meetings sober ever since.  I have been sober  over 6 years now.  It some ways it has been easy for I always thought  of my self as alcoholic. From my very early days of drinking I thought I was alcoholic. I also thought I would be fine.

The point I am making is when it came time to change and get help I did not struggle  with whether I needed it or not.  There was never a question of could I get  better and drink again. Being an alcoholic and believing I was one came easy to me. Choosing life or death seemed to be a simple problem with straight forward answer. Yes you are an alcoholic and you can not live this way any more, 

Thankfully there was a place to be and go. A place for me to share and grow. Though I knew for sure I was alcoholic , I was not sure how to transition and  live a sober life. Thank God for AA 

I don't need to compare myself....

I have heard this many times in AA. In my early years it was directed at me to not compare my self out .Meaning that I should not think or say things like , I am not as bad a drunk as him. I did not go to jail, I can't be a real alcoholic. I did not live in the streets so maybe I am not a real alcoholic.

I did not do these things much cause I thought for a long time I was an alcoholic and did not feel better or different than every one else. It has helped in my success of sobriety to not compare my self out.

NOw I have also heard and agree that the principles of the AA program apply to all  and in all of my life, not just me and  in the rooms. What I am leading to is how this principle of not comparing yourself has smacked me in the face recently. To keep my serenity and peace I really need to apply it. You see what I have been doing is comparing my wonderful gift of a camera to what others had. I would ask someone.. " What you got there,?. Oh , how many pixels does it have?  Well mine has 18." Then I would gloat to my self that I got it good. And if theirs was better I would be envious. Neither thought is good or pleasant to have.

I need to focus on the joy of the gift all by it self.  Not waste time on what others have. Be in the moment and enjoy. It serves no purpose to compare to others. There will always be some who have more and some who have less. This applies to everything. I just need to focus on what I have to be joyful with and I can be happy most of the time.    

Love you all

Thoughts of Drinking ....

Twice today I thought about drinking  . Well it  was in the same week.

First was Monday night. I was waiting for the storm to arrive and making preparations. I was anxious. That amount of discomfort has not been around for awhile. For a brief moment , that is the key word  brief, I thought a glass of booze would be nice to make me feel better. Now I am not worried about this because it was a reflex thought to a situation. The thought was not entertained or romanced in any way. My brain was just thinking like it has in many occasion in the past, hundreds of times has my brain gown down this path. Hundreds of times it is what I did. I was not thinking of anyway to make this happen. The thought of booze ended right there even though my discomfort did not. 

The second thought of drinking was a bit more worrisome. Later in the week at work I saw a glass of wine being poured. First thought was that looks nice, clean glass, pretty color and I bet it is cold and refreshing. Well that is like 4 thoughts and a bit of romanticizing. It did not end there. The next couple of thoughts concerned how some people will say they don't have a drinking problem because they only drink wine or beer. I wonder if I could just drink some wine and be ok?  I bet I could do that , drink wine and not get into trouble. Now that is bunch of thoughts that worry me.  Luckily it all happened in like 3 seconds, was squashed immediately and not thought of again til I type it down now. 

The first occasion on monday did not bother me at all but the second time around got me mad a bit and a little worried. I must stay diligent and strong. BE wary of this monster. It can be tricky and sneak up on me. I will be a sentinel and beat it down every time it shows its ugly monster face. 

Love you all Jaybird

Hello there....

I am remembering what it was like being stuck in the grasp of alcohol . It was and is an addiction. When I was drinking that is all I could do. Nothing else came first. So many things in life were put to the side in favor of booze. Even in the beginning it was this way for me. Though at the time it did seem fun. As my years of drinking mounted up it became less fun and moved in to being a state of horror. How could I live with this drinking ... out could I live with out  it . Surly I must die then .

But I lived and I can't tell you how in this post but some day I will try to explain it more . So I live through the change into sober living.Now many things are the same in who I am . Stop drinking does not turn you into a wonderful person unless you were one already. I am still very additive in my wants and desires. When I first got sober I bought all kinds of cleaning products ever week at the store. At one time I had more than a dozen spray bottles of something in the house . I think part of this obsession was to make the change from being a slob drunk to being a clean and sober person.  Then there was the watches . Bought one ever month. Now it is the radio helicopter. Got to fly every day. And buy new ones and parts and stuff. What the difference in these things and my drinking is that they seem to dwindle in interest.. I have control over the behavior . I choose to buy or do what I want . I know if I can t buy another watch or heli part I won't . The obsession seems to wear off.  That never happened with my drinking. Ever friggin day it was the same , had to drink no matter what .

Hope to see you all soon , I will try and not fly my heli too much and get back to this blog .
love you all , Jaybird

Hello again some 45 days later...

...all is well. My sponsor just celebrated 11 years.  Life is good. 


I am thinking I will try and post at least once a month if not more. So let me tell you what I have been doing this last month.
I had a vacation. It was great. I did not plan my supply of booze and drugs I would need. I planned on food supplies and activities to do. A dear friend came to stay for couple of days. We played like little kids , going to the duck pond to feed the children  bread so they could feed the ducks. We played with my new toys and obsession , Radio control helicopters. She drove my little truck and I would try and dive bomb it with my heli. 


You know going back to work or leading up to it brought back some emotions I had when I was drinking. That sinking feeling , that dread of all things. I had an ache in my belly of anxiety that I had not felt in some time . When I was drinking it was there all the time dreading all things to come because most of the future at that time looked bleak . Being sober and mostly happy I could change my tune and sing the joys of life and drive away the blues. The belly ache did not last. Being sober is so good .


Love you all Jaybird      

Hello again ....

... I have not written here in a month and more. Typical alcoholic to start something and leave it unfinished.. In this last month I did celebrate 6 years of sobriety.   I am happy joyous and free.
I see that I have lost all my followers except one. I say all but I think it was only like six or seven. I think it must be a glitch or something.  I am pretty sure of three of them to not "Unfollow" me so maybe its a timed out thing . Maybe if I start to write again I will see them back here.
What ever I do I must not drink. I think I can do that for another day. Yes I can do that .
Love you Jaybird          

Life is just too much fun ....

I have been a little busy and having too much fun . Too mUch ? What the hell is that ? I am having a grand time enjoying each day that comes my way . I started a post that I thought would become a series of posts . It was describing what a day in my life was like about 7 years ago . I thought it would be a great piece of blogging . What it is really is a bit boring for me . It is also hard work and I am feeling a little lazy . I do need to hear and remember those days . I do not want to relieve them .Well today I am having a grand time living my life and enjoying some of my presents from birthday . This time it was not a bottle of booze . They were real presents .

Love you , Jaybird

..Later that day for the drunk .... Part (2)

.. this pic is later in the evening . but I have not really  gotten past 10 am . So lets not rush in to that just yet . Continuing from my last post .... I think I am a little hungry and look for a beer . Beer fills my belly like food use to . I find one on the kitchen counter and am glad it is not in the fridge . If it were too cold  it might upset my stomach and I might lose the precious vodka I have already drank . It is only 7 am , three hours is a long time to wait to get more vodka . I begin to twist my brain around how much I am going to be able to get today and wonder how the hell that amount is going to last me all day and into the next morning . This may be the day I decide to end it all . I know the booze I can get is not going to be enough . It begins to freak me out the having a cheap half gallon of vodka is not enough booze to keep me from trying to kill my self . I don't want to do that , kill my self . I must find a way to get more booze >

My next post I will see if I can get this transcript of my drinking day to go past noon . I am sober today and oh so very happy .
Love you , Jaybird

the first opening of an eye of a drunk ....Part (1)

...the first glimpse of light seeps in the eye . I do not know what time it is . Is it still last night or is it now morning ? My first thought is hoping that I have not drank all my booze last night . Even knowing that I would NEED some in the morning I might have drank it any way . I get into a sitting position and scan the room for the bottle . There it is . Shit , It barely has 20 oz in it . That is going to be a stretch to make it last till the store opens . Well It is only three hours . I can do that ...may be take a little cough syrup too to make it through . I got to make sure I do not throw up any of it . That would be a bitch to try and save that and drink again . I drink a little and cough some of it into my mouth . I re swallow and in a short time take another gulp . Now I am starting to feel a little bit normal . The little bit of shakes is starting to go away . I now need to find and scrounge the money to buy another half gallon . How am I going to look for a job today ? I don't have enough booze or the right state of mind . I will do it tomorrow .

More of a day in the life of a drunk in my next post .
Please ask any questions in comments .
Love you , Jaybird

WoW , it has been 10 days ....

....since my last post . I have been busy with my new hobby . I am defiantly alcoholic , in the way I behave with everyday  things . I guess addictive behavior is a better description . I have been consumed by this helicopter . Every free moment and even the ones that are not free  have been given to time with my heli . I have neglected my chores and even sleep . I want to skip work and fix this toy and fly some more . Things like this I did all the time when drinking and smoking pot .
Being sober has allowed me to see this behavior and not let it get to much in the way of life . Being sober allows me to stay in control and do the next right thing . Being sober allows me to dip in the world of extravagant behavior and pull back to reality .
What I have seen in my self in these last few weeks remind me of what I was and how horrible it could get . I can never forget the full wrath of being a drunk . I have to remember that I have a choice to live and enjoy life . I have to remember I only have this power by not drinking . If I do drink or use drugs I will lose that ability to make the choice to the next right thing .
My next post will be sorta of a description of a day in the life of an active drunk . Should be horrible fun .
Love you , Jaybird

Have not had a drink today ....

... well not of booze any way . Drank a bunch of coffee and my favorite milk . I can remember my first drink of beer that got me drunk . I was about 14 or 15 . Myself and two buddies from the neighbor hood gathered our beers or booze and hung out at the tennis courts to drink that night . I don't think I got drunk again for maybe a year and at that time did it several times in a few months . About a year out of high school I was drinking on a daily basis . By my late twenties  I was drinking in the morning some days . By my late thirties I was drinking around the clock everyday . At each stage I thought I would not and could not  behave like I did in the next stage .Every time it got worse I would think it cant get worse than this . Of course it did . That 16 year old boy had no idea what his drinking would lead to , being connected to a bottle 24 hours a day . 
Those last couple of years of constant drinking had me thinking it would not be any different . I thought how could I possible change now . I had done too much and could not ever get back to being sober . It just seemed so impossible . And even if I could get sober how could I live a life like that ? What would I possible do ? I knew of nothing else . Well I am here to tell you it is possible . I have more things to do than I have time for . My latest kick is flying helicopters . I have so many things to do there is no time for getting drunk . 
I have not had a drink today , I am sober and very happy . 
Love you , Jaybird 

I am Fine ...

... and all is well . I think I am a little over ambitious sometimes . I had envisioned writing and posting every day . When I do not I feel a small sense of failure . Well maybe not failure but more of a disappointment . I want this blog to be a great thing . What I mean is not something that is read by thousands or even hundreds . What I mean by great is  really meant for me and maybe one or two others . I want it to be  and it is important to me . If I reach or help one or two others than I will be content . But my measure  or idea of it being great is if I were to write and post every day .
So for me to be content and happy I need to change the boundaries . I am not going to force a post . I am not going to worry if I do not do one tomorrow or the next day . I will post from my heart , my desire and from my instinct . I am so very happy today , I am sober and living each day as glorious celebration in life . I must never forget the past and when the days events remind me of something from that time of my active alcoholism I will share it here .
Thank you all for reading . Thank you all who I may know . Thank you , the ones who would like to remain anonymous . If any of you have any questions about me , my alcoholism , cancer or   anything that I have said ... please ask . I will do  my best to answer .
Love you , Jaybird

Be Careful ...

... Be very careful . Another friend died yesterday . Another friend died from alcohol related issues . Nope it was not a car accident . Nope , it was not liver or kidney related . He did not even over do it and slip into a coma . This guy died from not being careful . I have touched base on this issue before and I will again . This friend was an alcoholic and very active in his drinking . He wanted to stop and went to an out patience program to seek help . He may not have been honest with them and they may have dropped the ball in getting the attention he needed . My friend thought he was doing the right thing . What happened is he went to this program to seek help in stopping his drinking . He did stop . He was walking down the street from his house and had a seizure . He went in to cardiac arrest . He died a block from his home .
When you drink heavily on a daily basis and stop YOU WiLL DiE with out medical attention . You must seek proper medical attention when you quit drinking that much . So many people try and do it cold turkey and are taking chances with their life . Maybe they are embarrassed to seek help  , maybe they are stubborn. It just is sad when someone is trying to save their life from drinking too much and die from not drinking and seeking the help they need to do so 
Love you , Jaybird

Hi, my name is Jay...

... and I Love my self . It took me more than a year of sobriety to get to a point were I could say that out loud and have it be a real thing . Before that day I really did not like my self , much less love . I did not like the things that I had done . I did not like it that I hadn't  done things I should have . There was very little I did like . I think there was nothing . I almost made it be nothing .
After I got sober I was not under the depressive effects of alcohol . I was also feeling a bit better with out the fog around my head . I was having a lot of emotions unhindered hitting me hard . The feeling of reality was new and good but it also carried the bad . While I was still drinking I hated myself ,after getting sober I did too in a real way . Being sober allowed me to work on those things that needed working .
After some time and with some practice I was able to say I love me . Wow , that is a thing we all humans need to do . It is a must for joy and happiness. When you can love yourself you can really share it with others .
Love you , Jaybird  

My coworkers ...

...today were talking about the xmas party the company had on new years day . Every year before the party arrives I get some resentment . The owners of the company pay for a xmas party and I feel cheated . In the  last five years I never get consideration that I can not partake in their booze filled party .  Sometimes I have gotten angry . When I entertain these resentments and let the marbles roll around in my head I think of things like "the boss should give me a twenty or something to make up for me missing out" . I think of how it is not fair that provisions aren't made for me.
In the last couple of years these resentments are sent packing right away . I don't really get angry at all . Some passing thoughts of resentment are there but they  do not last long . What has happened every year is the stories I hear after . The stories of drunkin fights . The stories of embarrassments . The stories of the ones who bar hoped before and after the party . The money they did not realize  spending . And I could see the agony on a few of the faces the next day . Oh the pain .
I certainly do not miss the company xmas party . My life is great . My love of life is grand . I celebrate every day  .  I am not missing out on anything . I have all my money . I have all my dignity . Most importantly I have my choice to be happy and I make it every day .
Love you , Jaybird

Start of another ...

...Year . 2012

The last two posts were written by a man named Sam Shoemaker . Among his many life's notes is being good friends with Dr. Bob and Bill W. , the founding members of AA . Sam was a priest . Bob and Bill looked to him for guidance in formatting the wordings of the 12 steps . Sam would denied it but  many have said he is a founder of AA too .
In two  posts I shared  Sam's long poem . It is a reminder of  ways I want to live my life . To share what I have . A gift of sobriety and a relationship with god . I had a wonderful year and fantastic Christmas . I look forward to more of the same this year . I know as long as I do not drink I will be taking steps in the right direction to being happy , joyous and free .
When problems do come I will be wise about my solutions . Nothing can be made better with booze . Nothing can be made to go away with booze . Booze will only delay and multiply my issues .
So be happy and enjoy life . Embrace ever moment of it . We only have this very moment right now .
Love you , Jaybird

Part 2 ....

There is another reason why I stand there. Some people get part way in and become afraid Lest God and the zeal of His house devour them; For God is so very great and asks all of us. And these people feel a cosmic claustrophobia And want to get out. 'Let me out!' they cry. And the people way inside only terrify them more. Somebody must be by the door to tell them that they are spoiled. For the old life, they have seen too much: One taste of God and nothing but God will do any more. Somebody must be watching for the frightened Who seek to sneak out just where they came in, To tell them how much better it is inside. The people too far in do not see how near these are To leaving - preoccupied with the wonder of it all. Somebody must watch for those who have entered the door But would like to run away. So for them too, I stand by the door. I admire the people who go way in. But I wish they would not forget how it was Before they got in. Then they would be able to help The people who have not yet even found the door. Or the people who want to run away again from God. You can go in too deeply and stay in too long And forget the people outside the door. As for me, I shall take my old accustomed place, Near enough to God to hear Him and know He is there, But not so far from men as not to hear them, And remember they are there too. Where? Outside the door - Thousands of them. Millions of them. But - more important for me - One of them, two of them, ten of them. Whose hands I am intended to put on the latch. So I shall stand by the door and wait For those who seek it. 'I had rather be a door-keeper So I stand by the door.

1st part ...

I stand by the door.
I neither go to far in, nor stay to far out.
The door is the most important door in the world -
It is the door through which men walk when they find God.
There is no use my going way inside and staying there,
When so many are still outside and they, as much as I,
Crave to know where the door is.
And all that so many ever find
Is only the wall where the door ought to be.
They creep along the wall like blind men,
With outstretched, groping hands,
Feeling for a door, knowing there must be a door,
Yet they never find it.
So I stand by the door.

The most tremendous thing in the world
Is for men to find that door - the door to God.
The most important thing that any man can do
Is to take hold of one of those blind, groping hands
And put it on the latch - the latch that only clicks
And opens to the man's own touch.

Men die outside the door, as starving beggars die
On cold nights in cruel cities in the dead of winter.
Die for want of what is within their grasp.
They live on the other side of it - live because they have not found it.

Nothing else matters compared to helping them find it,
And open it, and walk in, and find Him.
So I stand by the door.

Go in great saints; go all the way in -
Go way down into the cavernous cellars,
And way up into the spacious attics.
It is a vast, roomy house, this house where God is.
Go into the deepest of hidden casements,
Of withdrawal, of silence, of sainthood.
Some must inhabit those inner rooms
And know the depths and heights of God,
And call outside to the rest of us how wonderful it is.
Sometimes I take a deeper look in.
Sometimes venture in a little farther,
But my place seems closer to the opening.
So I stand by the door.

Hey I am Back ....

Merry belated Christmas to you all . I had another sober one . This is my fifth Christmas with out booze . It was the very best yet . I did get some super nice gifts , I mean off the chart nice , but what I am here to talk about is my mental state of mind . Five years ago my first xmas sober was nice . I did have some anxiety issues of how I would deal with things and what it would be like . I was really worried about dealing with some people I usually used booze to deal with . Those worries were not necessary , every thing was fine .
That first xmas I also had to deal with reflex memories and thinking .Reflex thinking of booze . When you do something over and over again it will come to your mind at times . I had to learn that it was just a reflex and if I did not romanticism and promote these thoughts everything was fine .
This xmas  I had no anxiety and no reflex thinking . I have learned to not worry so much . Most of the time the worries are of  things that never happen . I lived in the moment and enjoyed every bit of my holiday weekend .
Love you  , Jaybird

All is well ...

For those of you who may be following my little writings I just want you to know that all is well . I may miss posting a few days in the next week . I have not had a drink today and don't see having one before new years . After that who knows ?  Really do not know about today yet . I have done my work for this day though . I have prayed and been thankful for waking up sober . I have been thankful for not having a desire to drink this morning  . I have asked for help for myself  and to be able to help others . I think I am ready .
So if I do not see you all this week
Merry Christmas  

I can not drink ...

What Job Can I get that I can drink at ? Really , what job can I get away with drinking at  ?
That is what I was thinking when I was fired from a job for drinking . Six months earlier when I got my 2nd warning for drinking , I was thinking that I  need to get better eye drops , not the generic kind . I got to get a better gum too . One that has better breath protection . I probably should wear more deodorant . It never crossed my mind I should stop drinking . Well it really did but I knew I wouldn't so I did not think about it much .I did get two more jobs that I got away with my drinking for a while . That is how my life was . In personal and work was always how to sneak and get away with drinking . It is not something I wanted . As I have said before ,  in the end it was not my choice to drink or not drink  . I was running out of options to live like this and on a daily basis consider ending it .
Now that I have gone through detox and been sober for some time , I do have a choice . I can choose to drink or not . That power is mine to hold on to . I have that power as long as I do not drink . If I drink I will loose the ability to stop . I CAN not drink . I say that with a positive tone  .
Love you , Jaybird

In some ways I have not changed ...

...In some ways I am exactly the same as  when I was drinking vodka . Just getting sober does not really change the core person of who I am . Getting sober does allow me to recognize faults and make amends . I have made great efforts and have some success in changing my attitude about life . 
One of the things that have not changed is my drinking habits . Oh the type of  liquid has changed but the actual drinking habits have not . I drink way too much milk . I also hoard milk . If this picture here is my fridge, I would have to go get another gallon so there would be no way of me running out . I get anxious if I only have a gallon or so in there . 
I am a milk aholic . But I am ok with that . It is not going to kill me to drink a shit ton of milk . I wont loose my job for drinking milk there . I am not going to break into your house to get more milk .  I wont hide  or be ashamed of my milk drinking . All these did happen with my vodka . Vodka nearly killed me . I can live with my addiction to milk . 
Love you , Jaybird    

Starting to really get in the spirit ...

... of Christmas . I started getting in the spirit on December 1st . I have all my shopping done , thank you amazon .com . Just waiting on two more packages . I  have most of my decorations set . I am looking forward to holiday events at church . X-mas day will be with family .
I do not know what kind of presents I will be getting this year . Last few years I kinda knew what my big presents would be . They were very nice but sorta lost the surprise affect . This year it will be all surprise .
Last few years of my drinking I knew exactly what I was getting . At birthday and x-mas it was always the same . A half gallon of vodka and maybe a carton of cigarettes . I am tearing up a little right now thinking of that . The only thing important to me for my mom to get as gifts was booze . I am sad for me , the man I was then . I am more sad for my mom who had that man to love as a son . For her to only have those things  to get me . I got a lump in my throat and a tear on my cheek .
I take a deep sigh and let that go . Not to forget , must never do that . But to let me live in the happiness that is now .  One thing that I had learned before and can really apply in my life now is this ... do not let your happiness be intruded upon . I will remember those days but right now I am having a wonderful time . It is the season .
Love you , Jaybird
ask any questions you like in comments  

Excess , is it too much ??

When I was drinking I knew I drank too  much . I would often throw up while still drinking . I would often be hung over . I would often have slurred speech and unsteady walk . All these things were certainly from drinking too much . I knew this while it was happening . What also was happening was I knew it was not enough . I always wanted more . If there was any left I would drink it no matter what . If there was a store open we would go get more . There could never be enough .
That has to be some kind of crazy , maybe a disease . To be able to know it is too much but to continue to do more , every time , is some kind of sick . Near the end , the last few years , I wanted to not be sick , to not be under this sickness that caused me to drink . You see at some point it changed from wanting to have more to not having a choice about it . I don't know if I really ever had a choice in those early years but certainly later when I wanted to stop I could not . In those early  years even though I knew it was too much it seemed to be my choice to do more . Then when I knew for sure I wanted to stop the misery I could not .
I really do not know all the answers but I do know I am happy to today .If you have any questions I will do my best to answer them .
Love you , Jaybird

Off to work ....

...and so tired . Been very busy at work . LOng hours there and last night was my AA meeting . I awake this morning very tired and having to go in  to work . What I like about this is that I am not anxious about it . I am not hung over . I am not trying to think of a way to get out of work . I am not trying to drink enough before I go in to get me through the day . Even though I am tired I am glad to have a job to go to . If I were still drinking I would be thinking of making some changes so I could drink on Friday and Saturday , not have to worry about work . Before quitting I thought what would I do with out booze . Now there is no time for it . There is no room for me to drink and think of excuses to get out of work . I hated my life at the end of my drinking . I love my life now . bye to you all , I got to go to work .
Love you Jaybird
ask any questions in comments

Happy Joy and free...

My life , My joy , My sobriety are gifts . Gifts I choose to cherish . Gifts I choose to honor . Gifts I choose to share . I can do all these things by helping others . That helps me to smile every day .
I am Jaybird alcoholic.
I am exactly where I am suppose to be .

I hate this thing (2) ....

This is the second post titled "I hate this thing..." . It is not that I am already running out of ideas but I reread that first post and realized I I left something out . Part of this "disease " I hate is that people are dying . I think every one reading this will know and think of the most common ways people are dying . Auto Accidents . Liver failure and such . Those two probably popped right up in your minds . What really bothers me is people are committing suicide . The booze will do at least two things to get people in that place of mind  to do this . One is the depression the alcohol will bring on . Over time it can build up . The other thing is that booze will hinder their rational thinking and inhibitions . They may be depressed any way and then being drunk on top of that does nothing to stop some one from doing something stupid . I know of a few people who have killed them selves . Some have said this person or that one had lost their job and or house . They did not know or want to say booze played a big role in them taking their life . I hate this disease  for that .
Love you , Jaybird
please ask any question you like in  comments

Why did I stop ....

Why did I stop drinking ? I was having a miserable time .I was going to die . I could not afford it any more . I had no money . You see , most alcoholics if given the chance will continue to drink . That is why in most cases we need to hit bottom before we make an effort to change . I had hit the wall or bottom . I had no where else to go . I was to either dig a hole and die in it or make an effort to get over that wall . 


I chose to live and the only way to  do that was to stop drinking . I had wanted to make that  choice for about three years . My drinking of a half gallon a day required that I not do it at home . When you drink this much you must have medical supervision when you stop . If you do not you will die any way . Your body will react in a bad way of not having its daily dose of booze . You will convulse , have seizures and your heart will stop . 


When thinking about stopping I often thought my life would be nothing . What would I do ? Who would I know ? I must take up my hobbies again for I will have so much time on my hands . When drinking there were times the days dragged on , seemed long . I filled that time by drinking and passing out . What was I going to do now ? I would have no friends because they all drink . 
I now  have very little time on my hands . Not enough time for all my friends . Not enough time for all that is asked of me or that I ask of myself . I guess it is good to be so busy , leaves no time for drinking . 
Love you , Jaybird 
please ask any questions you want in comments    

Chasing the butterflies ...

This is what I saw this morning . If I was still drinking it might look exactly like this . I got to read the bible selections today at church . I then got to sit with the choir and later help serve communion . I was scared and a bit shaky but it was a discomfort I enjoyed . In times gone by I did not feel any of this , the butterflies turning in my stomach . I hide from them or chased them away with booze . Today I got to feel them and live through them , it was enjoyable to feel life . I have been doing these bible readings for some time now . I still get nervous but I do seem to go after the opportunities to do these things . I am alive and chasing butterflies .


Love you Jaybird 
please ask any questions in comments 

I am at peace ...

Today I am at peace . Today I can be happy almost always . When I am not happy it usually does not take me long to be so again . If I want to stay this way I do have to remember when it was not so good . If I were to forget how horrible it was I may make a mistake of drinking again .
Just the other day I was reminded of a time when it was very bad for me . When I would have the shakes in the morning if I had not saved enough to drink before the stores open . Mornings were bad . I might only have a little bit left to drink . If I cant keep it down that is not good . I could be nauseous  in the morning .
One day it was early , hours before the store opened and I only had so much left to drink . I did not keep it down . I had a can I used to vomit in . I am getting shaky thinking about it now . I re drank that booze . I did not want to but had no choice . I may not have made it through those couple of hours with out that regurgitated  booze . It is veery uncomfortable thinking about that . I can not forget how bad it will get if I drink again .
So today is good . I did not  have a drink today . I don't think I will in the morning either .
Love you , Jaybird
please ask any questions in comments