Never thought ...

I never thought I would drink in the morning . I never thought I would drink at work . I always thought I would be in control . That alcohol is my friend and companion . All these things are proven false . And there is much more . Things I did while drunk . Things I did so I could get and be drunk .   Once I had an opportunity to spend a lot of time with a girl I had a crush on . I choose not to because it would in fringe on my drinking time . I turned down giving this girl a ride somewhere so I could get home ,drink and smoke pot  . I regret that a bit these many years later .
At one time alcohol seemed to be a friend . I  could go to it and be sure of having a good time . It did seem to make anything better . We did have some great times together .  Alcohol at some point turned to that annoying companion , that old friend who was always around but had nothing new to say . It had to always be in to everything I did . Then  At some point it became a monster . A thing that haunted me day and night . I could not getaway from it . A monster I wanted gone but was front and center always .  No matter how much this monster beat me up I would always go back for more . It is strange to know you must NOT do something and yet you do it anyway . Day after day to know this must stop but to pick up the bottle again . It can take a very smart man and make him feel so stupid . So lost . So alone .
Thanks for listening . Love you , Jaybird
please ask any Questions in Comments

I am grateful ....

...I did not have a drink last night or this morning
...There is a roof over my head
...It is raining ..I like the rain .
...I have a job to go to shortly
...That I have the ability to love
...and many love me
...I know I am not alone
... That I smile
...That I can help others smile too
...There is peace in my heart
...When anger does come , it is short lived
...This Christmas I can give gifts
...for on line shopping
...for friends , family and loved ones
...for AA for I know I am never alone
and always have a place to go where
they know all about me and my issues
and they will always be there for me
and I for them
LOve you , Jaybird
please ask any questions In Comments 

I hate this thing ...

Some may say it is a disease . I am not sure exactly what it is but being an alcoholic is like having a monster after you . This monster wants you dead . It can be tricky and make you think every thing is alright .You may  have control .  I can handle Just one drink .  
Being a monster it can due its most damage when you are alone . It wants you to be alone so you are vulnerable to its tricky ways . Then when you are  it will beat the ever livin shit out of you . 
So , do not isolate . Make many friends . Keep in contact with them . In AA you can have lots of friends who know all about your issues with alcohol . They will help fight this beast .
Love you , Jaybird
please ask any Questions in Comments

X-mas is coming ...

I will be present . I will give presents . I may receive a few too . Guess what ? I wont be getting any half gallons of vodka . That is what I use to get . For my birthday and X-mas . There really was nothing else for my mother to get me . It is what I needed and wanted . No other presents would do me any good . All my waking hours and most of my sleep were consumed by the thoughts and needs of alcohol . I wanted it to be different and no matter how much I tried for it to be so it never would be . I was trapped in this life of alcoholism .
But not any more . Today I just did some on line shopping . A bit early but so what . I have plans now and follow through with them .  I have started decorating . I have lots of santas ,angels and snow men I have collected in the last five years . The picture above is the santas before I boxed them up last time . Now I will be bringing them out and placing them around . Life and holidays are so much  better being sober .
Love you , Jaybird
please ask any questions in comments 

Guilt and Forgiveness ...

After I got sober my thoughts and emotions became more real . They were not hindered , cloudy or masked . I began to really feel and think . This is a good thing but at times it really hurt . I was not happy with what I had done or things that I should have done . 
 I could make things better and  issues with other people I could ask for forgiveness . The personal stuff about and  only pertaining to me , like the care I gave to my animals , I had to deal with all on my own . I had some great guilt about that , the neglect in care I gave one special animal in the last years of his life . 
After being sober for about 6 months it really hit me on a daily basis and I would get quite emotional about it . I knew I had to forgive my self . It was hindering my care of animals still with me . They could feel the negative energy . And that is all guilt is , Negative . It does no good for you . You have to get rid of it . 
I knew I had to forgive my self and what I did was to say it out loud ,every day, "I need to forgive myself.I do for give myself ". Even if  I did not believe it , I said it out loud . I think that anything can be done with practice . That is what I did every day , practice forgiving myself . After about 2 weeks it became a real thing for me . I said it one morning and it was like a shot of reality to me . I did really feel it to be true and I did not have to say it out loud any more . I still did not like what I had done , I did not approve of it but I did forgive myself for it . 
Love you , Jaybird
please ask any Questions in Comments  

Hiding booze...

Either one of these devices would have been great but the money spent on them would have gone to better use on cheap vodka .This is the time of the year when I would  do my most hiding around family . I have hide booze under my belt in little bottles .  I use to hide booze in medicine bottles . A big one could hold just enough to ward off the shakes . 

 I would have to do lots of planning . How much booze to hide in what items ? There is the considerations for travel and ease of access during that time . You have to think about how the dinner plans and such were going to be so you could have an excuse to bring what I needed to hide and use my booze . 
Most important was to gauge how much booze to drink before some one came to pick  me up . I could never hide and take enough booze with me so I would have to get good and primed before they show up . I would try and drink as much as possible with out seeming too drunk . 
Thank God it is not that way any more . Tomorrow we have dinner reservations for thanksgiving  . They place is an hour away . I am going to enjoy a nice scenic ride in the country . I am going to enjoy ever minute of this day . I definitely will have not worried about this for hours before and during . I love my life , I love my self , I love you , Jaybird .
please ask any Questions in Comments  

Frustrations ...

I did not give up yesterday. I got mad a little but not like i use too . In days gone by my temper was so bad that if I dropped a pen I yelled and kicked the chair ,stomped on the pen and pounded my fist on something . Don't believe me ... I got the scares I can show you . Any who , even before I stopped drinking I knew I had to do something about my temper . I was tired of the headaches and chest pains my anger would cause . I read a book or two and learned a few things . I did not really get any results till I stopped drinking . It was only then that I could consistently and fully   apply the things I learned .

Oh , why was I mad ? My phone had lost internet abilities . I tried a few things . When that failed I called customer service ( I can barely understand them ) which after an hour did not get anything done . So I went back to the internet and looked and thought . I think I must have done some thing to the settings and thought a hard reset would do the trick . I followed the instructions and backed up my contacts and did it . It worked . Internet connections were back . I went to sign in to some site and it asked for a password . I went to memo and it was erased . NO passwords . Ugh ..thank God I quit drinking and my memory could pull up all the pass words I needed  .

Love you , Jaybird
please ask any Questions in Comments  

One week down .....

Wow, I am still here . I feel so very grateful to be so . Today I get to go to church and run the sound system there . They have entrusted me with keys to the church  . They rely on me and have no worries that I will show up and do my job . I have many friends there , they seem like another family . Wow , what a gift I shall  cherish and nourish . 


When I was drinking I had many a grandiose idea of things to do . None of them got past the chair I sat in while drinking and smoking . None of them began ,much less flourish . None of them had a chance for drinking was more important and took up all my time . My money and time was consumed by alcohol . 


I started this blog a week ago and it still goes on . I have a grandiose plan for it to go on for quite some time . I hope to reach some one who needs a word of advice or encouragement. I think as long as I do not pick up a drink I will continue to write here.
Love you , Jaybird
please ask any Questions in Comments  

AA meetings ...

Last night at my Friday night meeting a friend was celebrating many years . He knew me when I was still drinking.  It was near the end of my drinking when I worked at this place . He would come in and chat with a coworker while waiting for his food . I knew my coworker was in AA and this customer was too . I wanted what they had . They were free from alcohol and the horrors it brings . My coworker barely knew me but he wanted that for me too . He knew I was in great trouble . He wanted for me to have what he had .
That was something else to have a person care about my well being ., To not cast me off as a nothing drunk but to want more for me , to want me  be well and happy . Wow, these guys care about me . Now many years later I am one of them . I too now know how it is  to  feel for other human beings , especially the ones who are in trouble like I was . For me now there is great joy in seeing what was once a miserable sad face begin to smile and shine again . I love this program because it works .
Love you , Jaybird
please ask any Questions in Comments    

Why , Why ...

In the beginning my drinking was for pleasure , it was an adjective to an event . I did know early on that I was alcoholic . They way I drank and the way I felt about my drinking , I knew I was alcoholic . I thought that it was not such a bad thing . In the beginning it was not bad , drinking was fun . It did not get in the way of my life or affect it in really bad ways . It was an adjective to life's event .

I did not see it happen, but I did realize at some point the drugs and alcohol were not an adjective but became the main event . There were no longer places to go or things to do but just a way to drink or drug . Some how it switched from being a second thought to all our plans to being the only thought of plans .
Love you , Jaybird
please ask any Questions in Comments 

Do you believe in miracles ...

This is a picture of me from a time of my earliest memories . You can see my mom way in the background with my little sister . Many things happened between then and my almost certain death . My mom was  in the background at the end . Even though she is an atheist , she had called my pastor to give me last rites  . I was not suppose to live another hour .Having a blood alcohol level of 0.71 ,I had been in a coma like state since shortly after entering the hospital . I came out of this coma as the pastor is doing his thing . I knew it was bad because never before had I  seen him in black and a white collar  . I mumbled a few words and his shock face was replaced with a smile . I was in great pain and could not move for being partially  paralyzed . I was scared . . It was the first day in over 20 years that I had not had a drink .  I was happy .

Love you, Jaybird
please ask any Questions in comments

Am I Done ...

For me I know that there is nothing out there that I want to try again with a drink .

I feel I have done everything there is to do while drinking .

I got to be careful though because that is not quite true . I saw this commercial for the beer in a box with a tap.
 I have not done that . Looks like fun , wish they had that 10 years ago . 
Thinking like that can not be romanticized. It must be squashed immediately.

These thoughts come to me some times and if I entertain them even a little bit , there might be trouble

I know that there is no joy in any activity with drinking    .

Love you , Jaybird 
please ask any Questions in comments 

Being sober I still have to fix me...

When I was drunk there were many things wrong with me . Many problems to deal with . After going through detox and getting sober , a few issues were fixed . I did not have to drink any more . I was not going to die from drinking too much or not enough . That is a real thing , not drinking enough. You can die with out proper medical attention . Any way that is another post . Getting sober did not make me all better .


I had and have many issues that I need to deal with . Getting  sober did not fix them but does allow me to work on them . I can recognize my faults and put real effort into fixing them . I can be honest with myself and everyone around me . I can see a goal and move towards it . I am not stagnant and dying .


Love you , Jaybird
please ask any Questions in comments 

I awake this morning...

... thinking of what needs to be done and how I will make it fun . There will be work , there will be fun . I will try to smile though out both .

It was not always this way . When I was drinking , specifically the last four or five years of my drinking , my first thought of the day was to get a drink . I hoped I had saved enough from the night before to get me through till the stores opened . I hoped I could find enough change to buy a 10 dollar half gallon of shitty  vodka . I hoped it would be enough to get me through the day and to sleep at night . I hoped I died in my sleep so I would not have to do this again .   


 I never thought i would drink in the morning . I never thought that I would get the shakes from not drinking enough .  I never thought I would lose the ability to decide to drink or not . I always thought I could do what I wanted . I wanted to stop drinking or die . I could not . 


Love you , Jaybird
please ask any Questions in comments 

What to have for dinner...

In days gone by the choice would be easy . There was very little to eat in the house . If I was feeling the need to fill my belly with something other than vodka I would have a few beers and call that a meal . Liquid chicken is what a friend of mine called it.  I don't think he is having any more meals . I have not seen him in many years and I fear he is dead . 
          Today I have the great joy of having a fridge full of food and a means to cook it . I can choose to eat what I like and not be consumed by the thoughts of drinking more vodka . The things that once seemed mundane are a great joy in the after life of certain death  . 
Some how I cheated death . Some how I am still here to be alive . I will be alive and enjoy every tuna fish sandwich I can .


Love you , Jaybird
please ask any Questions in comments 

Just got up from a nap...

It is wonderful to take a nap for the reason of having just ate and feeling a bit tired . I awake with vigor and enthusiasm to be productive and enjoy the rest of my Sunday .
When I was drinking it was not this way . I napped a lot , sorta of . I drank around the clock and would sleep or be unconscious quite a bit . I would be awaken by the need to drink more .
Sometimes I wished I did not wake . Sometimes I wished I would die in my sleep and not have to face another day in my dreadful life of drinking . That is all that there was .. drinking . My life had been consumed by vodka .

Today my drug of choice is TV , cold milk , Oreo Golden double stuff and afternoon naps just because I can and for no other reason .
Love you , Jaybird
please ask any Questions in comments 

First day...

First time blogging . 
Hi , My name is Jaybird and I am an alcoholic .
I am very grateful to be here .
I really should not be. My last day of drinking left me with a blood alcohol level that should have killed me and the horse I came in on .   .71   is ridiculous amount of alcohol , it took me some twenty years of drinking to get to that level . 
well I am going to post this and see how it looks . 
I hope to be of some help to any one who needs it . 
Love you, Jaybird 
 please ask any Questions in comments