I awake this morning...

... thinking of what needs to be done and how I will make it fun . There will be work , there will be fun . I will try to smile though out both .

It was not always this way . When I was drinking , specifically the last four or five years of my drinking , my first thought of the day was to get a drink . I hoped I had saved enough from the night before to get me through till the stores opened . I hoped I could find enough change to buy a 10 dollar half gallon of shitty  vodka . I hoped it would be enough to get me through the day and to sleep at night . I hoped I died in my sleep so I would not have to do this again .   


 I never thought i would drink in the morning . I never thought that I would get the shakes from not drinking enough .  I never thought I would lose the ability to decide to drink or not . I always thought I could do what I wanted . I wanted to stop drinking or die . I could not . 


Love you , Jaybird
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